A Pirate Looks At 30

Let's just go ahead and get this out in the open. Clear the air.

I failed. Big time.

No two ways about it. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, whitewash it, or gloss over it. I'm not even gonna spend any more time on cliches to tell you that I'm not gonna try to hide it.

I didn't want to write this entry. I mean, I REALLY didn't want to write it. Failure's not fun. Failure is something reserved for others. Others without ambition, others without experience, and others without support.

But the brutal reality is that I had all those things, and I still failed. So in times like these, when I'm most confused, I start to get all analytical. I've gotta take a step back from the situation and try to figure out what's really going on here. What am I missing?

Other people have lost weight. Lots of it. I've seen it happen. People close to me. People I never would have suspected. People who had way more to lose than me - way more reason to give up before they even started. What did they have that I don't? What is wrong with me? What is it that makes me inadequate to do something as mathematically simple as burning more calories than I consume?

After some soul-searching, it seems to me that I've forgotten how to win. A winner requires self-confidence. Something bolder than bravado and more down-to-earth than humility. I haven't won much of anything in a while. But maybe I haven't won because I haven't wanted to win.

To recap: In the beginning of October, I had a vision. I would be turning 30 years old, and I didn't want to leave the 20s on a bad note. Something particularly disturbing me lately was weight gain. I was slightly obese for the first time in my adult life. So I set out to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday.

Lots of enthusiasm went into the first few weeks. I counted calories, I rated my workouts, and I constantly imagined ways to motivate myself. Starting with writing this blog.

I sustained a shoulder injury early on, but I plugged right along. One thing I really struggled with was sickness. Ever since the Preschooler started preschool in the fall, I feel like we've subscribed to the Virus-of-the-Month Club. I mean, it's literally something new every month. That helped me limit my calories at first, because I just didn't feel like eating much of anything. But it also gave me a convenient excuse to stay home much of the time instead of going to the gym.

Then, there were the holidays. Thanksgiving Day was a bummer, but from Black Friday until Christmas, I limped back into form and at least maintained an equilibrium. Then, the sedentary traditions of Christmastime caught up to me, and ruined me for a few more weeks.

Despite a deafening silence on the blog, I will say that a week or two of good progress has been made, but it hasn't been nearly enough to counteract the inconsistency and downright indifference that have marked the second six weeks of 30 by 30 so far. End of recap.

"Commit to the work, not the goal."

This is an idea that worked its way through my mind the past couple of weeks, and ultimately found its best expression in two brief entries by a blogger I occasionally follow named Donald Miller. A complement to this idea, and one that answered the question, "What am I missing?" can be found in Don's blog entry for today: "Love the actual work, not the finished product."

And how suitable that this second blog entry by someone I've never met, on a topic I've been ruminating over all month long, I should encounter on the day I turn 30 years old. The day I set forth 17 weeks ago as the ultimate deadline - the culmination of four months of striving and anxiety and disappointment.

By the way - speaking of the deadline - I guess it'd be anticlimactic not to reveal the results of the 30 by 30 weight loss. So here goes...

Four pounds. I lost four pounds. That's one pound per month, if you're following along at home.

Things are still looking up, even if the results to date aren't. I'm actually doing pretty good with the process lately. Now that school's back in session, there's more of a sense of commitment and routine that I was missing over the holidays. I've got this nifty Google Calendar to keep all of my commitments in perspective, and that helps with organization and the wise use of time. And The Wife is going to be participating with me in the area of eating healthier. That's why I am still committed to continuing the blog - and why I insisted on writing today.

So contrary to popular belief, 30 by 30 hasn't gone away. It lives on. And while the process may be more important than the goal, the name of the blog has to continue to mean something.

Maybe the 30-year mark has passed me by, but I've still got my waist. And my inseam. And those both need to be 30 inches. OK, I can't really do anything about my inseam. I'm 5'8", for cryin' out loud. But the new 30 by 30 will be about loving the work, not the finished product. Just don't ask me to put on a pair of jeans any time soon.