Brain Cells

There's a three-year-old person living in our house. Just down the hall from the dining room. Last right before the bathroom. She eats here, sleeps here, does just about any other function here that a normal person would do. They call her The Preschooler, AKA The Tiny Dictator, AKA Thing One.

This three-year-old person has exactly three brain cells. She's grown one brain cell for every year of her life. I've figured this out, because I have seen them develop over time, and I know exactly what each one of them does.

The first brain cell that The Preschooler developed, in year one, was the control brain cell. This is used to establish supremacy in the household. Need something to eat? Make the parents feed you. Have a dirty diaper? Make them change you. Need a nap? Not really in the "relax-and-fall-asleep" mood? Just have the parents rock you to sleep. It's really simple. You can scream until their ears peel, act like you have no mastery of your bodily functions, keep them awake all night... basically, just do whatever is required to maintain control in every situation.

The next brain cell that developed was the vocabulary brain cell. This is the one that picks up on any and every word that is spoken. It gave her all the weapons necessary to creatively subvert authority, even after her infantile rage and distress were played out. This took control to a whole new level.

The vocabulary brain cell made it possible for the child to learn - and retain - new words and phrases, such as "Pygmy Marmoset", and "Coati", which the parents' combined 60 years of experience had never before encountered. Not only were there new terms, but with the aid of the control brain cell, the child learned to marshal her newfound vocabulary to demand, coerce, beg, reason, manipulate, argue, and sweet-talk her way into pretty much anything she wanted.

In the third year of life, the Preschooler has developed the brain cell known as the opposite brain cell. This brain cell is potentially the most daunting yet. It has the power, at any given moment - sometimes completely at random - to turn any conversation or situation completely on its head.

At first, we thought we had this one figured out. It's called "reverse psychology". I know a little about this. More than a three-year-old knows, at least. In order to get her to eat her eggs, you tell her she can't eat all of the eggs. You want the child to come to you? Act like you don't know where she is, or pretend like she's invisible. She'll come.

It worked like a charm... for a while. Then she learned how to "double back". Soon, she figured out what was going on, and learned to perceive what agenda you were trying to accomplish, rather than simply taking your words at face value and turning them around to set her objective. So we were back to opposite again.

The other day I was having a late breakfast of tuna salad and crackers.

Did he just say tuna salad? For breakfast? I don't think that's even human.

Yes, I said tuna salad. Or at least my dumbed-down, quick-and-easy version of it. No mustard, no eggs, no relish. None of that fancy stuff. Just canned tuna with a touch of mayo to bind it together.

Well, anyway, I was having tuna salad, and the Preschooler took notice. When lunchtime rolled around, I was sure she'd ask for one of her staples - ham and cheese, frozen corn dog, or whatever leftovers in the fridge involved melted cheese and/or ketchup. But of course she did the opposite of what I expected and asked for the tuna instead. The little ankle-biter ate all the tuna, minus the crackers I supplied, and loved it.

I really ought to stop writing about the Preschooler in my blog, because someday she'll learn to read. And then she'll start using the internet. And then she'll probably get on Facebook and trash me to all of her friends. Hey, future Preschooler? If you're reading this... what say we call a truce?

You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

-from Oh! The Places You'll Go!

by the immortal Dr. Seuss

The Preschooler's daddy has a few brain cells too - 29 of them, to be exact. The latest one to emerge is called the "slacker" brain cell. Rather than aiding in the accomplishment of simple tasks, this one is self-defeating. It's infectious. It goes around convincing all the other brain cells to take the day off.

Maybe it's a result of going back to school, or getting old and fat, or just having more important things to worry about in general, but it's getting harder and harder to function as a normal, real-life human being. Procrastinating until the absolute last minute to do stuff, always running late, sometimes missing important dates and meetings completely.

So when I say, "I fell off the wagon," what I really mean is, "I'm still a slacker and nothing has ever really changed about that."

I blogged a couple weeks ago, and I've only worked out a couple times since then. First I was sick, then there was Thanksgiving, and then there was family visiting, and the end of the semester, and waaay too much work, and up all night with kids crying and no sleep, and... sick again the last couple of days.

There's always something. Right?

I've got seven weeks left, as of this coming Monday. The scale says I gained about three and a half pounds back in two sedentary weeks with turkey and dressing and cheesy baked casseroles and the occasional run for the border and splurging on holiday goodness. So it's gonna take everything I've got to finish strong. There's gonna be between 15-20 pounds to lose before January 31. Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Workouts may be toned down in intensity, to avoid burnout, but I may need to extend the duration sometimes. I want to burn calories at a constant pace rather than try to set a new heart rate max every day.

2) Going back to calorie-counting. A couple of friends suggested this calorie counter which I haven't really used on a daily basis, but it's at least an interesting toy to play with. I don't know if it'll solve my problems with time-consuming lists of ingredients and figuring out every meal from scratch (we don't buy a whole lot of packaged food), but it'll be a good place to start.

3) In addition to calorie counting, I'm also going to measure water intake. That's probably pretty important to keeping motivated.

3) It helps that school is out, and I'm easing off on some other voluntary commitments until it resumes.

4) My part-time gig at the restaurant is busy as ever for the next couple weeks, and working there is almost like an additional daily workout (on my feet constantly for five to six hour stretches), so there's a chance to burn extra calories.

If all else fails, me and the Preschooler are going to have a talk about this "opposite" thing and how to harness it for good, rather than evil. Both of us, that is.